I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Found the puke drawer
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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