A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
