i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
