I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize