I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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