After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
