She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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