How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i out mim tonsoeep
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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