Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
