Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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