If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
