My liver just broke up with me...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
