I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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