Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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