I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
