I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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