I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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