I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize