She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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