She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
