he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We talked him into tasing himself.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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