I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
