i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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