Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
