And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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