haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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