I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Randomize
