My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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