Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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