The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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