you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
