Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
