you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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