thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
