OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
