home. puking in laundry basket.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
