I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
