Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
