I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
