I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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