Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I faked an abortion last night.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
