Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
