I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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