the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize