proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Threesome in a minivan. New low
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
