Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
