I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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