Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
