Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
