part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Your penis caused this!
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