There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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