Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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