Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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