you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
