If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
