dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
