Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
