Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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