I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
