it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
