just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
